Aries
(March 21 - April 19)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named "Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name.
Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)
Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try.
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway.
Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy".
Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)
Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.
Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today.
Scorpio
(October 23 - November 21)
You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.
Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day.
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 18)
Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Pisces
(February 19 - March 20)
Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.