Aries
(March 21 - April 19)
Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career!
Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)
A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
Today you will be struck by the notion that "Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive." You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.
Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.)
Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you.
Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)
Scorpio
(October 23 - November 21)
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonnaise and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone else's. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 18)
You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor.
Pisces
(February 19 - March 20)
This is a good time to invest in collectable things. Susan B. Anthony dollars make a good start (they can only plummet so far, after you invest in them, unlike your normal investments).